Don't Ask, Don't Tell Part 1

Evidently, Ben and I share some of the same thoughts as he recently created a post on his blog about marital advice. I've been thinking about this recently as well and have come up with a list of things that a wife should never ask/say to her husband and vice versa.

Things a wife shouldn't ask / say to her husband.

1. Every man will repeat this one after me in a loud chorus, "Does this make me look fat?" This has been asked since the beginning of time when Eve tried on a smaller fig leaf. So much has been written about this one that I don't feel the need to add any more. Ladies, don't ask.

2. If you are on a diet and have lost maybe a pound or two, DO NOT ask your husband "Does it look like I've lost any weight?" Unless you lost 30 pounds of boobs, he'll never notice.

3. Even if you are only kidding, never, ever ask your husband "Do you think I should get a boob job?" There is an absolute and correct answer for a man, but it has to be conditioned into him. The problem is that I've never met a man who said "my wife's boobs are just way too big." So if you ask him this question, his mind will immediately begin to process the request and though his final answer will be "No, I love you just the way you are" the 2-3 sec processing time his mind requires will be considered a hesitation, as if he were dissatisfied with his wife's body. He's not, trust me. But that's like asking him if he wants a bigger riding lawn mower. He might be completely satisfied with his mower, but the thought requires some consideration.

4. Don't ask your husband "Do you want to come work out with me?" A man's idea of working out generally consists of mowing the grass (on a riding mower - he probably needs a bigger one, no wait -no he doesn't) and/or playing a round of golf (with a golf cart). Who needs a stepmaster when there are escalators, or a treadmill when there's a moving sidewalk?

5. Don't ask your husband "Do you like my new haircut?" Unless you come back with pink and green hair, he probably won't notice.

6. Sometimes the question is valid but the timing is wrong. When you are lying in bed and your husband is just a few seconds away from falling asleep, don't turn over and ask "How's your relationship with the Lord" or "How would you rate our marriage?" After the primal grunt, you'll probably hear something like "good" or some other one-word utterance. It won't be the answer you're looking for.

7. As a follow up to #6, don't wake your husband up at 3:45 in the morning to ask "Did you hear that?" NO, I didn't hear that - I was ASLEEP! His snoring resonates so loudly in his head that any extraneous noises are drowned out. Say something like, "I'm scared. I think I just heard something in the kitchen."

8. Don't ask your husband "will you build me a ______ in the backyard?" Husbands don't like direct confrontation that needs an immediate answer. If you casually mention that you wish you had a ______ in the backyard, he'll probably spend days designing an original ______ that will be the envy of the neighborhood. But if you ask him to do something, he'll probably say "No, I'm too busy" or "we don't need something like that" or some other valid excuse. **Note - if he agrees he'll probably need to buy some more power tools to build a ______, just keep that in mind.

9. Don't ask your husband "Will you go to the store to buy me some pads?", or some other feminine hygiene product. If he goes to buy them, he'll need to buy some extra power tools to soothe his male ego (and to build that ______ for the backyard). It'll be much cheaper if you go get it yourself.

I'm sure there are more, but I'll wrap it up for now. Tomorrow, I'll add the things a husband should never ask his wife. All culled from personal experience, of course.