I'm wondering what the rest of you parents (young and old) have to say about this. My oldest daughter is very much like me, likes to please people and make friends. She also happens to be overweight. Her BMI calculations put her in the overweight category. She is aware of it and is trying to change some of her eating habits to try to keep things under control, but it's hard for her. She also wears glasses, which she is now convinced is akin to having hairy warts covering her face. Funny though, because she always gets tons of comments on how cool her glasses are. But those comments mostly come from adults and not from the "popular" kids. Well there is one girl at church that is the skinny, good-looking, popular girl that Alison has tried to make friends with. She claims this girl acknowledges her, but will often go on to ignore her. Now, I don't know if Alison is just being hyper-sensitive to the situation or not, but I certainly can understand her feelings of wanting to fit in. This has caused her much grief over the last year or so.
This weekend, Alison had another meltdown moment of rejection by this same girl. As Alison talked (and cried) to me about it, I remembered a post that Sarah had at her blogsite about making friends. I thought it was good advice and so I used some of it, trying to convince Alison that sometimes people just aren't going to like you and to learn to let it go. To not let one person ruin your life. To try to look out for the kid who needs a friend, instead of trying to befriend someone has more friends than they can handle. All this makes perfect sense to an adult but is of little comfort to the child who just wants to be "normal" - which is often defined by the group dynamics. Trying to convince a child to band together with the other "misfits" seems to be somewhat counterproductive (at least in my mind).
I'm sure most of this has to do with her self-worth. How do you convince a child to derive their self-worth from God rather than man? Many adults struggle with this issue, so how much more difficult is it for a kid? In the mean time, we try desperately to love her, to accept her, to motivate her, to discipline her all in a way that hopefully builds her up. I honestly don't know how to deal with the overweight issue, because I've never been overweight. I'm not bragging about it - how could I brag over something I have no control over? But it's a mystery to me trying to deal with these issues. I'm scared of saying something insensitive to her regarding her weight. I don't want to add anymore scars to her heart by being a jerk (yes, that is my m.o. from time to time).
I want to tell her to just "buck up" and get over people not liking you or saying mean things about you. Maybe that works with boys, I don't know, but it just doesn't seem to be appropriate with girls. However, I do want to instill this idea of toughening up a bit emotionally. How do I that? Can I do that without hardening her heart?
Once again, I have more questions than answers - my theme in life.
Any thoughts?
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6 comments:
no clue.
let me know how it comes out...
Just kidding...
I think you took the greatest step in insuring her some stable footing for the long haul. You've provided her with a listening ear and compasion. Father's of daughters have a tough job in providing their daughters with an example of manhood and also what true love is all about. Continue the affirmation and listening.
Sarah's blog was spot on. Some people are not going to like you. I'm convinced that when you meet someone like that you are really better off without them. Jesus said to the disciples to knock the dust off their feet when they entered a town that did not accept the message of the gospel. I think it's a good life message. We can teach our children to love and pray for those people that turn their noses up to us. If they can't accept the message we bring, whether about us or Jesus, we need to not spend too much time on them and set them aside for God to work on their heart.
I would say that a lot of her confidence and acceptance of herself will also come with how secure she feels in YOUR love for her! Sorry to put some pressure on you, but you know how important your daddy love is... I remember one time in middle school when I was SO rejected and spit upon, and my dad bought me flowers and told me that he would always love me no matter what. I remember that I didn't show him how much it meant to me, I was an awkward pre-teen with an attitude, but it DID mean the world to me. My dad did an excellent job of always telling me how much he loved me, how special I was to him, and how he wished he could spend more time with me (he worked A LOT). When he went hunting or fishing, he took me along sometimes. He just poured his heart into me. That has helped me to never doubt God's love for me as well.
As to the popular girl and the pain she is causing... it's sin nature. Allison will have to learn to deal with it and you can teach her to not react that way when she feels tempted to one-up someone in the same way. It's tempting to go and run to the kid, her parents, the authorities, but we will always have to deal with sin nature in ourselves and others until we finally are with Jesus. Be encouraged, though. Just the fact that you are asking shows how much you love her and want to teach her. I'm sure you are a great daddy!
I am going to have to agree with Jan on this one... A father's love can cover alot and I mean alot of mess in our kids lives. Helen has had to remind me of it especially with Kennedy. I have gotten the point where she and I have our own special little looks that we give each other and she is the only one who gets them. Courtney has her own and so does Caleb. Man I didn't realize how much my girls crave their daddy's attention. If I don't give it to them now then they will seek it in the arms of another. And I surely don't want that.
As far as her weight goes, if she is an active child which I suspect she is then I wouldn't worry a whole bunch over it. I don't know that you would want to draw attention to that if she is still feeling unsure about herself. With Kennedy we would just try to steer her into other choices for snacks and things without completely cutting out the sweets. It seems to be working.
All this advice is great. I have a few things to add. I think it's OK for Alison to be allowed to feel these feelings, and then turn them over to God. Maybe you could pray with her after you have held her as she pours her heart out. As someone who struggles with fear of rejection, sometimes it just helps for someone to validate my emotions, before I can move on from it.
Also, have you gone on regular dates with her? a weekly or every-other-week daddy-date would probably do wonders for her self-concept. Maybe your dates could be something active and energetic.
You are an awesome father, Rodney, just for being sensitive to your daughter and truly understanding her.
Why do girls/women always want to be friends with the people that don't reciprocate? I can so relate to Alison!
Hey guys, thanks for all the responses!
Gifts and daddy-dates I've done, but probably not enough. I'm thinking Alison and I should start playing tennis together. We'll see if that works.
We, as parents, tend to see our failures with our kids much more than our successes. I've often viewed the success as something that comes at the end, when the kids are gone. As if there was a certain point at which they would take the success in life test. It sounds silly even as I type it. Where I want to be is: to be able to recognize the successes of today more than I do.
I was exhausted last night and didn't even check blogs, but I did, as I layed on the couch just wanting to chill for 15 minutes have a teary-eyed 9 year old come down the steps to tell me she was feeling "rejected" at dance by the older company girls. And she used the word "rejected". We had a long talk...mostly she talked, I listened and ask open ended questions like "What made you feel that way? Why do you think they did that?" And then explained to her that the company girls she was refering to were several years older than her, and just like sometimes she doesn't want her younger sister in all her business, maybe those girls felt the same way about her. That didn't mean they didn't like her anymore than it meant she doesn't love her sister. After that we just prayed and she seemed...sorta OK.
Weight has been an issue with her as well. Although it has become an adult issue for me as a child i ate whatever i wanted whenever i wanted and stayed a bean pole, but I also had a friend from high school die just a few years ago from a very long battle with anorexia that began when we were dancing together as children. So with Kennedy when she is hungry we simply help her make better choices. We've told her if she is hungry she can always get something to eat, but she has to make a good choice about what she eats. We have also talked to her and shared our struggles with our weight as an adult and have just encouraged her to treat her body like it is the temple of God because it is and it is our responsiblity to take care of that body...anyway, I'm rambling now...cause I'm tired and need to stop.
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